It’s been a HOT MINUTE since my last post😅
In that post I got super vulnerable and shared that I was struggling with how I felt about my eating habits and my body image. I wish I could say I got myself in a better place, but I’m just as confused now as I was then. I got one week in to some overpriced “30 Day Macro Challenge” that had me hungry & tired & on the verge of binge eating everything in sight.
You know, body acceptance is excruciatingly difficult. It’s more difficult than any “30 Day Macro Challenge”. Its more difficult than any workout I ever have (or ever will) complete. More difficult than any of my classes, research projects, 20 page papers or presentations. More difficult than working at an adolescent treatment center where my role is to keep kids safe who want nothing more than to hurt themselves. It’s difficult and it is exhausting. As I have been hearing fat-phobic & diet culture tinged messages every single day at work, at family functions, on social media, on the radio, in books, podcasts, magazines, on billboards (you get the idea), I have gotten tired from constantly fighting. I was faced with the decision to continue to fight or to surrender… and for the past couple of months, I’ve chosen to surrender.
I got caught up in jealously of watching some really close people in my life lose weight and get praised for it. I missed my old body. I found myself spending hours looking through “fitspo” accounts on Instagram and yearning for the incredible looking life they had with their thin thighs and their flat tummies. I slowly stopped doing the things that kept me strong in my recovery, and I stopped treating myself with the respect that I deserve due to the fact that my body is not the same as it was five years ago. I let the toxic thought of “when I lose the weight, I will be happy” sink it’s teeth back into my mind and it took over.
Then I got one week into this “30 Day Macro Challenge”. The challenge has a hashtag on Instagram that participants can use to share their journey. As I’ve followed the hashtag and watched fellow participant’s stories online, I’ve been seeing women and men talk about how they ate one bite off of their meal plan and feel guilty to the point of tears and breakdowns. I’ve seen them boast about how they didn’t eat the treat at the family function. I see them pick at their seemingly flawless bodies, talking about how they have a “LOOOONG” ways to go. And for some reason, seeing these participants share their experiences over the past week has made me sad and uncomfortable. It has made me realize that the reason I’m feeling uncomfortable is because this way of living doesn’t align with my true values.
I value balance. I value acceptance. I value living a life full of deeper meaning. I don’t want to spend my life counting calories in MFP, constantly thinking about my next meal and pinching my love handles in the mirror. I don’t want my goals to be focused on eating certain foods & having a body that fits into societies standards when I could have goals to get into a graduate program, excel at my job, strengthen my relationships, go on new adventures & literally anything else. I don’t want the impact I leave on the world to simply be that “I had a fit looking body and ate clean”… I’m worth more than that. E V E R Y O N E is worth more than that.
This is a pretty random update… but going on this “challenge” made me realize I’m not about to waste yet another year of my life not aligned with my values. So I thought I would share with hope that maybe someone else out there is a couple weeks into their new years resolutions & diets & “30 Day Macro Challenges” & feels like they aren’t on the right path & needed someone they could relate to.