I cried on my way to my therapy appointment.
As my therapist asked me how my day went, I was short and flustered, trying to hold back the tears.
We continued with pleasantries, until I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.
I didn’t think I’d ever be back in this position of going to therapy to help with disordered thoughts surrounding eating and terrible body image. But, here we are.
I am struggling.
Because I don’t like people to worry about me, I wasn’t going to create a post as vulnerable in real time as this. I normally like to just work through things on my own and have the ‘happy ending’ before opening up about my battles to others. Hence the reason most of my posts are “back when I was restricting/binge eating… But now I’m free!” But I share this with you today because I want to be real & completely honest throughout my journey.
I still don’t understand exactly how I could go from such a high in recovery, feeling like I just KNEW I would never go back, to feeling the need to control my food & wanting to cry just about every time I look in the mirror.
However, looking back at the past year I see where things went wrong. I had an extremely rough year, physically, emotionally & spiritually. Like I mentioned previously, I seem to have a bad habit of holding my issues in for the fear of making others worry about me. Because I kept holding so much in, waiting for everything to “fix itself”, I slowly started to crumble under all the weight until just little things like an argument with a loved oned, hearing someone talk about a diet or a simple bad day sent me into a whirlwind of anxiety and depression.
I found myself feeling out of control… and, well, I still feel out of control. My brain still seems to hold onto the habit of screaming “CONTROL YOUR FOOD TO CONTROL YOUR BODY TO CONTROL YOU LIFE” in times of anxiety and depression. And so I find myself battling the same demons that I battled for years.
I think the reason having these thoughts again hurts so badly is because I feel like my greatest dream of helping others heal from disordered eating and unhealthy body image is so far out of reach. I keep telling myself, how can you help others if you can’t even help yourself?
Maybe this battle is life long. Maybe the thoughts will always be lingering in the back of my head. While that wasn’t how I planned for my life to be, I’m working on accepting it and now I am slowly doing the things I know will help me rebuild.
They say recovery is not linear, and now after coming down from the highest of highs, I absolutely accept this as true. I can get back to those highs again, but this time, I need to start preparing better for the inevitable lows. I urge you to do the same wherever you are on your journey.
I have faith that I’m gonna be ok now that I have been honest about how I’m feeling and have reached out for help. And again, if you find yourself in a similar position, I urge you to do the same. Please, be honest about how you are feeling. Stop just saying “I’m fine” when in reality, you feel like you are starting to break. Understand that it’s ok to be afraid to ask for help, but know that pushing through that fear to actually ask is vital.
As always, if you are struggling, know you are not alone❤